Odds And Ends Of Wit And Humour.

crossing a fence in the demesne . The earl called out , " Come back , sir ; that's not the road . " "Do you ken , " said Will , " whaur I'm gaun ? " "No , " replied his lordship . " Weel , hoo the deil do ye ken Avkefher this be the road or no ?"

Will Avas passing the ministers glebe Avhen hay-making was in progress . The minister asked Will if he thought the Aveather Avould keep up , as it looked rather like rain . " Weel , " said Will , " I canna be very sure , but I'll be passing this Avay in

the nichfe , an' I'll ca' in and tell ye . " " Well , Will , " said his master , one day to him , seeing that he had just finished his mid-day meal , "have you had a good dinner to-day ? " ( Will had been grumbling some time before . ) " Oh ! vera glide "

, answered Will : " but gin anybody asksi / I got a dram after 't what will I say ?" The folloAving is an instance of amusing ignorance Avishing to pass itself off for knowledge . An English tourist visited Arran , and

being a keen discip le of Izaak Walton , Avas arranging to have a day ' s good sport . Being told that the cleg or horsefly Avould suit his purpose admirably for here , he addressed himself to Christy the Highland servant-girl . "I say , my girl , can you get me some horseflies ? " Christy looked

stupid , and he repeated his question . Finding that she did not yet comprehend him , he exclaimed , "Why , girl , did you never see a horsefly ? " " Nae , sir , " said the girl , " but I once saAv a coo jump OAver a preshipice ! " This reminds one of the

answer of the man Avho vras asked if he could sing . " No , sir , " replied he , " but I have a cousin who plays the German flute . " This is as ridiculous as the question put to a boy as to Avhy he Avas called John . Well , if you please , " said he , " I

was called John after my Aunt Sarah . " Mal-apropos ansAvers are , like far-fetched definitions and derivations — provocative of a good deal of amusement . I confess I am ahvays amused when I am told that Ipswich is derived from GippingsAvick

the town on the Gipping—but so it is , so the antiquarians say . Gippingswick , Gi ppeswich , Gippeswiche , IpysAvich—Ipswich . This is about as near as saying that cucumber was derived from a certain gardener of the name of Jeremiah King , Avho is said to baA'e first introduced that lovely vegetable into use , and fathered

indigestion upon lots of corpulent gentlemen who will eat it for supper . Well , it is this Avay , you see . Jeremiah King becomes , by easy transition , Jerry King . Jerry , Avith a slight effort , diminishes into jerkin . Jerkin is transformed into gerkinand gerkin grows- up

, and becomes a cucumber . But I must give youone ortAvo more Scotchstories , and then I Avill have done Avith the North Britons . A certain functionary of a country parish is usually called the minister ' s man , and to one of these who had gone through

a long course of such j > arish official life , a gentleman one day remarked : — " John , ye hae been sae long about the minister's hand that I dare say ye could preach a sermon yersel' UOAV . " To which John

modestly replied , "Oh , na sn- ; I couldua preach a sermon , but , may be , I could draAv an inference . " " Well , John , '' said the gentleman , knoAving the quiet Vanity of the beadle , " Avhat inference Avould you draw from the text , " A Avild ass

snuffeth up the Avind at her pleasure 1 " ( Jer . ii-24 ) . " Weel , sir , I wad draw this inference . he would snuff a long time before he would fatten upon it . " Some of this class of men are often great critics of sermonsand often severe upon

, strangers , sometimes Avith a sly hit at their OAvn minister . One of these—David , a Avell-known character—complimenting a young minister who had preached , told him , "Your introduction , sir , is aye grand ; its worth a' the rest of the , sermon .

Could ye no mak it a' introduction ?' Many anecdotes of pithy aud facetious replies are recorded of a minister of the South of Scotland , usually distinguished as one Watty Dunlop . On one occasion two irreverent young felloAvs determined , as they saidto taigle ( confound ) the

, minister . Coming up to him in the High-street of Dumfries they accosted him with much solemnity , " Maste . " Dunlop , dare ye hear the neAvs 1 " "What news ? " "Oh , the deil ' s dead !" " Is he , " said Mr . Dunlop , " then I maim

ga hance and pray for two fatherlessbairns . " Some years ago the celebrated Edward Irving had been lecturing at Dumfries , and a man Avho jiassed as a Avag in that locality had been to hear him . He met Watty Dunlop the folloAving clay , Avho aid , "Weel , Willie , man , and what do ye think of Mr . Irving ? " - ' Oh , said