Under The Garland.

UNDER THE GARLAND .

A CHRONOGRAPH . DY PRO . SAMUEL POINTER , P . M . AND TREASURER , DURGOTNE , NO . 902 . — P . M . ATJlEXiKUM , NO . 1491 . T NEVER go there . Not in the sense of voluntarily repairing to the esiablislimetif , that is to factdont knoAv thereWhenever

- * - say . In , I ' my AA * ay . I htiA-e visited this festive institution I have been " personally conducted" or— -the archaic phrase is not much more reprehensible— " run in "; that is to say , some kind and hospitable city friend , possessing an acquaintance AAdth the topography I shall never acquire , has chaperoned me , or ciceroned me—if I may coin a neiv expression , " I have been there and still woidd go" generally speaking ; but if I wished to do so at any specified time

, , I . should have to consult the Post Office London Directory , and AA'hen I had succeeded in fixing the idea well in my mind , that the inn Avith the ancient sign of the " Garland " is situate in Capuchin Court , and that Capuchin Court is a cul de sac leading out of a thoroughfare Ai'hich all citizens know as Great Saint Bernard the Missionary , which is notorious as the centre of a ganglion of warehouse skirting streets in the busy neighbourhood of Carthusian Square , —Avhen , I say , I had Avell mastered all this

trio-o-nometry , I should still have no resource but to throw myself bodily into that labyrinthine region of the great city , and trust to chance for happily bringing me up Avith a round turn against the old mahogany bar of the " Garland , " just AA-hen I least expected it , I once kne-v a very delightful old gentleman—he was a retired master—captains thev are called by courtesy—in the merchant service , who presented to his adoring—and of course admiring—daughters their one great standard of mental ability , enhanced by morality and prudence , but qualified , alas ! by physical infirmity . " Dear papa ' s head AA'as perfectly right and sound , " so asserted his—in one sense fair , but , in another , rather partial—critics . " And a better head-piece Ave have never

known , " which cela va sans dire , as the French say . Papa's intellects , instincts , hear ! , and appetites were all right , but—his legs were so unmanageable ! " Ever since he had had his last attack , " presumably of gout , and probably not remotely caused by excessive rum and water , " eA'er since poor papa had had his last attack—Avlien Avhat he liad suffered no hitman being but himself could conceive—darling papa had found his poor clear legs unruly . " For they—that is to say , the young ladies , not the

legs—described IIOAV that whenever the worthy ex-skipper started in the forenoon to take hi ' usual " constitutional" on " the pavement" ( for so the space first flagged as a trottoir in suburban roads in the early part of the present century continued even in its fifth decade to be knoAvn ) , his erratic supporters , instead of conducting their supposed director in an orderly manner towards that parade—a boulevard fringed by the most decorous and respectable of drapers' and druggists' shops—persisted in bearing him into a by-street ,

where they became obstinately fixed and rigid—depriving the Avorthy man of all poAver of retracing his erring footsteps—in the parlour of " The Three Kings , " the honest landlord of Avhich hostelry held out to a thirsty public the allurements of a good dry skittle-groivnd and a AA'arm and comfortable coffee-room for gentlemen . Similarly—as Joe Gargery says—I think I coidd make sure of finding the " Garland " if I placed my back to the Royal Exchange and my face to the drinking fountain , and to if be

gave the rein my legs—one can supposed to concede such a preposterous liberty as to grA e the rein to one's legs—I think I could find it . I know that Avhen I did find it I shoidd be sure of good entertainment : and of its peculiar mode of entertaining I noAV propose to discourse at large . And in the first place , why the " Garland ? " You remember tho saying , " Good ivine needs no bush . " and how ; that occult axiom-has been interpreted to mean that liquor of prime quality required no advertisement of AA'here it was to be procured . The bibulous